Play: Being There (12m)

CHARACTERS

MOTHER

DAUGHTER
Insolent, sullen.

FATHER
seems to have no idea the kind of family he’s in.

MAN 1
does the talking.

MAN 2
has the power.

(A chair and small table downstage, where FATHER sits in the darkness, with a small book of French philosophy called “Being There.” )

(MOTHER enters far up stage, looking for her front-door key, and two PIANO MOVERS in work clothes freeze, carrying a body in a bag or a sheet.)

MAN 1
Hi.

MOTHER
(puts her hands on hips)
Hello… Is that…

MAN 1
Is this what you wanted taken?

MOTHER
I don’t know, who did you speak to?

(MEN lay the body down. MAN 1 looks at MAN 2, who gestures for MAN 1 to show her their log book. MAN 1 shows her the book )

MOTHER
Its blank.

MAN 1
Huh.
(flips through the book. Shrugs, looks anxiously at MAN 2)
I just started a new one. The other one’s at home.

MOTHER
What a surprise.
(sighs)
Did either of you take the call?

(MAN 1 looks at MAN 2, who shakes his head ‘no.’)

MAN 1
No.

(MOTHER sighs, goes to the body)

MOTHER
May I?

(MAN 1 looks at MAN 2, who shrugs. MOTHER sees MAN 2’s answer and looks in the bag/under the sheet. MAN 2 watches her with great interest)

MOTHER
(a bit lost)
I’m sorry, there’s been a misunderstanding.

MAN 2
(sighs, walks slowly over to her, referring to the body)
Its not yours?

MOTHER
(eyes him)
You shouldn’t have been called.

MAN 2
We got a call for something to be moved, we get here and this was on your front porch… Ready to be moved… What did we misunderstand?

MOTHER
I apologise, its not your fault, you just shouldn’t have been called.

(MAN 2 glares at her for a long time.)

MAN 2
Well, we’re sorry to have troubled you…
(MAN 2 ushers MAN 1 off stage right, and just before he goes, he turns and says, full of import)
And your friend there.

MOTHER
(glares after him, looks down at the body)
Dear dear dear…
(dusts her hands off, walks downstage where the lights come up
On FATHER, sitting in a hard-backed chair, squinting closely at a book, straining his brain more than his eyes.)

MOTHER
(throws her purse down with a clatter on the table, knocking FATHER’s book away, and startling the hell out of him)
I’m just about sick of cleaning up after that girl.

FATHER
What?

MOTHER
Well, she can’t go around killing everyone she disagrees with.

FATHER
Yes.

MOTHER
Apart from anything else, its just bad manners.

FATHER
Yes.

MOTHER
I’ll try and have a word with her.

FATHER
Yes.

MOTHER
(not listening to him)
Have I been a bad mother to her?

FATHER
(guesses, guesses wrongly)
Yes?

MOTHER
(not listening to him)
I just don’t understand where she gets it from.

FATHER
Yes.

MOTHER
Maybe its those soaps she watches… They’re probably filled with all kinds of things children shouldn’t be exposed to… All you’d have to do is watch one to find out… But would it be worth it?

FATHER
Yes.

MOTHER
I just can’t relate to her anymore, would you mind if I had her disowned…

FATHER
Whatever you think.
(pause)
Should I still call for a piano teacher?

MOTHER
(pause)
They cancel each other out. Its got to be one or the other.

(DAUGHTER bustles in from uni, throws books on table. FATHER and MOTHER stare at her, she’s oblivious.)

DAUGHTER
Where’s dinner, I’m starving…

MOTHER
(stares at her)
There’s no dinner.

DAUGHTER
Why?
(pause. They glare at DAUGHTER. DAUGHTER smirks)
Who died?

MOTHER
Your piano teacher.

DAUGHTER
(curious)
Oh yeah? How?

MOTHER
On my front lawn.

DAUGHTER
That’s not good.

MOTHER
Are you going to apologise?

DAUGHTER
Why should I?

MOTHER
Can I tell you a story?

DAUGHTER
Bit busy at the moment.

MOTHER
Today I had to eulogise
(she takes her overshirt/jumper off, revealing reverend’s collar)
old Smith and some kid, neither of whom I knew a thing about, and Mrs Smith wanted me to say what a wonderful card player her husband was, and the smaller one’s parents wanted me to say oh boo-hoo I’m really sad and boo-hoo it couldn’t have happened to a nicer kid… How the hell would I know? I don’t know any of these people, and they always make me say things when they die… I wouldn’t mind going if they didn’t always insist on me making a speech…

DAUGHTER
Can I go to my room?

MOTHER
(forceful)
No.

DAUGHTER
It would make me happy.

MOTHER
(Comes around behind DAUGHTER, poised to attack)
Oh, well that’s my life’s mission, isn’t it? That’s all I ever think about… I go to work, talk about dead people I don’t know, raise money to pay for your piano lessons … I hope you enjoyed them.

DAUGHTER
They were okay.

MOTHER
(applies pincer fingers to her shoulder, half-heartedly)
Is this okay?
(pause. threatening)
Stop saying “okay”, okay?

DAUGHTER
Okay!

(MOTHER lets go, sheathes her pincer in her armpit and begins to pace around her daughter)

DAUGHTER
God, mum, I just had this fixed.

MOTHER
Well, I’m terribly sorry to inconvenience you, I know how much trouble it is for you to get to the chiropractor, which you pay for by hosting your own funerals, I’m sure…

FATHER
(clears his throat. MOTHER glares at him.)
What was that?

MOTHER
What?

FATHER
In your holster.

MOTHER
(takes out her pincer fingers again. Flattered by his curiosity)
Oh, nothing.

FATHER
No, go on.

MOTHER
(a bit annoyed at the interruption)
Its just my pincer.

FATHER
Martial arts?

MOTHER
No, I made it up.

FATHER
Its really nice.

DAUGHTER
You said you wouldn’t use that stuff on me.

MOTHER
You said you’d start listening to your mother:
(turning her around)
Listen to me! You really upset me this afternoon. I don’t like surprises, and a piano teacher in a bag is not something…
(pause. DAUGHTER’s reaction is inscrutable)
I mean, How do you prepare for that? You’ve put me in situations before where I’ve had to pretend you were normal to keep the men from taking you away, but this…
(pause)
That golf bag was a present from your father…
(almost weeping)
It was our anniversary.

FATHER
(matter of factly)
We went hunting at the zoo.

DAUGHTER
So they found her in your bag?
(pause)
Huh.

(MOTHER looks suspiciously at DAUGHTER)

MOTHER
Do you hear how she spoke to me?

FATHER
Mm.

MOTHER
Its almost as if she blames me for her mistakes. Like I would waste the money we paid for a year’s tuition in advance!
(snaps)
I didn’t teach you those skills so you’d abuse them.
(pause, slowly, mournfully)
They were supposed to be saved for special occasions.

FATHER
Like anniversaries.

MOTHER
(calmly)
This time I’m putting my foot down. If you were grown-up enough to kill her, you should be grown-up enough to dispose of her body.

DAUGHTER
(humouring her)
Yes mum…

MOTHER
Its not that I mind you doing it. It’s your record they’ll go on, if you get caught. I didn’t mind it when you killed Uncle Archie…
(explaining it)
He smelt like eggplant. But if you make a mess, you clean it up. That’s the only rule we have… And you disobeyed it.
(comes towards her)
Your punishment shall be…

DAUGHTER
Hey… No more pincer.

MOTHER
Oh, I think your problems are too deep for that. You’ll get what you gave. Now, next time I, on a whim, indulge my baser instincts, you’ll clean it up. How do you like that?
(pause)
You won’t know when it’ll come… No matter how inconvenient it is for you... It might even be someone in this room… Depending on how nice you all are to me…

FATHER
(awkward pause. He feels like he should say something)
Were you just talking about me?

MOTHER
(snaps)
Glen!

DAUGHTER
Well…
(clapping her hands together)
Entertaining as always, but now I must away to my room, for I have some homework due!

MOTHER
(menacing)
Stay where you are.

FATHER
(awkward pause. FATHER feels he should fill it)
Should I make a note of that?

MOTHER
(holds up a single finger to silence him. FATHER silences his own lips with his own finger and looks down at his lap)
I’ve endured enough of your… tirades… I’m suffered… Oh, how I’ve suffered…

FATHER
I can second that, should I put that I second it?

MOTHER
But do you show me mercy? Will this torment ever cease?

DAUGHTER
You tell me, its in your head.

MOTHER
There you go again with your university degree, using your… Fancy brain, which I paid for, and again you choose to use it for wickedness…

DAUGHTER
(not too worried yet)
Seriously, I’ve got something due tomorrow.
(MOTHER her gesticulating arm drops, her shoulders slump, and she cries. Quietly.)
(now DAUGHTER’s worried. sighs)
Oh, not this.

MOTHER
(throws back her head and lets out a histrionic cry)
Oh ye gods! What have I done to deserve such a wicked child…

DAUGHTER
(frowning at MOTHER, then gets interested in fingernails, examines them for dirt… very important to undercut MOTHER’s display)
I ate garlic and slept upside down for a month, and still you would not give me a boy… A boy, my kingdom for a boy…

FATHER
(above his book, to audience)
The rational sex…

(DAUGHTER glares at him. He looks down at his book)

DAUGHTER
There you go, make a nice fuss… You’ll feel better.

MOTHER
I’ve always given so much… Ye gods, when will it be enough!

DAUGHTER
(lies MOTHER down)
Like a drink with your fuss?

MOTHER
Huh?

DAUGHTER
Yes… A nice drink. Of alcohol.
(pulls out a water bottle)
Like this one here.

(FATHER looks over, frowns)

DAUGHTER
You’ve had a big day, and this is what people do after big days, they drink them away.

MOTHER
Yes… It was quite big.

DAUGHTER
I know…

MOTHER
(Looks deep into the drink, then up at her, a bit suspicious)
I didn’t think we had any…

DAUGHTER
Its from my room.

MOTHER
(sits up, glares at her)
Young lady…

DAUGHTER
If I kept it down here it’d be gone in one…
(pause. Taking the piss)
Morning…

MOTHER
(indignant)
I suppose that’s my fault, too.

DAUGHTER
Its not like we force you to drink…

(MOTHER looks suspiciously at the drink)

DAUGHTER
Except this one time…

MOTHER
You’re a good daughter…

DAUGHTER
(pause. MOTHER thinks it’s a tender moment between them. DAUGHTER grabs the glass and brings it to her mother’s mouth)
Drink your drink.

MOTHER
(when she’s had enough, hurls the glass, which is actually plastic, off-stage)
Tastes salty. Like my tears.
(starts her off again)

DAUGHTER
Oh, shut up… Those tears…
(pats her head)
There… There…
(MOTHER becoming more drowsy, looks around for a pillow, sees Father’s coat, whips it out from behind him, FATHER has a delayed reaction. While DAUGHTER folds it into a pillow, FATHER feels around behind his back.)
There y’are.
(MOTHER makes happily sleeping noises)
Just think happy thoughts.
(MOTHER moans restlessly)
Like those two people you buried today.
(MOTHER smiles and moans happily in her sleep)
And the one you killed.
(MOTHER nods, in her sleep)
Well, that was easy. Dad, have you seen the… tape?

FATHER
(mystified)
What tape?

DAUGHTER
You know.

FATHER
We don’t have any tape…

DAUGHTER
The tape. Your favourite kind. I know you’re just playing dumb.

FATHER
If you’re going to be like that…

DAUGHTER
Okay, okay, I’m sorry… You know, the packing tape she’s so fond of.

FATHER
(frowns for a long pause, as if this isn’t true, then he remembers)
Oh yeah… Its…
(lifs up his legs, looks under his feet, peers into his top pocket, pulls out his trouser pockets, spilling coins all over the place)
Oops…
(grinning like an idiot, he kneels to scoop it all up)
Change… Fell…
(laughs nervously)

DAUGHTER
Dad, would you hurry up.

FATHER
Sure.
(Finds the tape, gives it to her)
Ah, here it is.
(Settles back to his philosophy, which he strains to concentrate on)

DAUGHTER
Now…
(Back to audience… kneels, hides her work, ties MOTHER’s hands behind her back)
Can I borrow your knife?
(FATHER hands her a large knife. FATHER does not seem worried. DAUGHTER pretends to be doing a delicate operation. The actor applies a red dot to end of MOTHER’s nose, some on her ear, and two lines between her eyes.)
Thanks.
(admires it)
Huh.
(hands it back to him)

FATHER
I like to think it can cut through bone, but I’ve always been too shy to try it.

DAUGHTER
It does cartlidge.

FATHER
Oh, well that’s something.
(PAUSE. DAUGHTER gets her bag, picks up a few things)
(like she’s going away for the summer)
Going so soon?

DAUGHTER
I have to.

FATHER
Well…
(pause)
Be safe.

DAUGHTER
(frowns, confused, exits)

(The calm before the storm. FATHER reads his paper, frowns a little, in the silence of the quiet stage, gets an itchy nose, moans a little about it, then is seriously shocked when)

MOTHER
(Her hands are tied. She looks all over here for missing body parts, twitches her nose. It feels strange. She assumes she’s been butchered, which she has. She groans in frustration… A hollow woofing kind of sound)
My ear. Where’s my ear gone?

FATHER
(not looking up from his paper)
Where did you last see it?

MOTHER
(pause)
In the mirror this morning.

FATHER
Well, that’s where it’ll be.

(MOTHER gets up, exits. Off-stage, she screams. Rushes back in)

MOTHER
Have you seen this? Look what that daughter of yours has done to me.

FATHER
(not looking up)
You look fine.

MOTHER
Excuse me.
(goes to slap him, finds her hands are tied… )
What now…
(Tries to look at how they’re tied, goes around in a little circle like a dog chasing its tail. Groans in frustration when she can’t slap him.)
She’s taken a bit off my nose… And put it between my eyes… Can’t you see the difference?

FATHER
(stares at her, squints)
Oh yeah…
(MOTHER’s head sinks)
Come here…
(holds her by the waist, brandishes his knife)

MOTHER
(touches the end of the knife)
There’s blood on it…

FATHER
Oh yeah…
(shrugs)
Turn around.
(he cuts the tape, swivels her to face him)
(looking closer at her new face)
Actually, I hate to say it, but…

MOTHER
(tries to stop him, but its too late)
Don’t you…

FATHER
I think she’s done you a favour.

MOTHER
This is my face, no-one’s allowed to work on it unless I’m paying them… Why do you always side with her… Is it because I’m… old?
(she begins to boo-hoo loudly, only breaking boo-hooing to articulate her following lines)

FATHER
There there…
(He stands up to embrace her, she falls into his arms.)

MOTHER
I hate her.

FATHER
I know you do.

MOTHER
I’m going to…
(makes lazy stabbing motion with both hands, then waves it away)

FATHER
(in response to her mime)
Its only fair.

MOTHER
And then I’ll…
(she ties a big bow in the air and pulls it upwards to make a noose then clasps her hands together and pumps them)

FATHER
(in response to her mime)
No-one would think badly of you.

MOTHER
(she’s just sniffling now, and lying on his chest, plays with his shirt)
Can I have a new daughter?

FATHER
We’ll send off the application in the morning.

MOTHER
I’ve still got you!
(They smile at each other)
Unless you piss me off…
(Pincers him in love handles and he makes a noise half way between a laugh and a scream)

(NOTE: his unexpected noise punctuates the end of the play, and co-incides with lights off)

CURTAIN

END OF PLAY